George Morales Runs for Commissioner: Because One Elected Office Just Wasn’t Enough

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been tracking the lizard people’s movements), Travis County Constable George Morales has announced his bid for Precinct 4 commissioner. That’s right, folks—another career politician is stepping up to the plate, ready to serve the people (or at least serve himself another term on the taxpayer dime).

Morales made his grand announcement in front of a crowd at the Plumbers & Pipefitters Union office, which, let’s be honest, is probably just a front for the deep state’s underground tofu distribution network. He claims Precinct 4 is his home, but I’ve done my own research (i.e., staring at Google Maps for five minutes), and I’m not convinced he isn’t a hologram.

Now, let’s talk about Morales’s stellar record. Before becoming constable, he was fired from the Precinct 4 Constable’s Office for alleged misconduct involving drinking and “inappropriate behavior” with court clerks. But don’t worry—he denies it all, blaming it on a vast conspiracy orchestrated by his former boss, Maria Canchola, who he accused of racism. Convenient, right? It’s almost like every politician has a ready-made villain to blame when their skeletons come dancing out of the closet.

And yet, Morales went on to defeat Canchola in 2016, proving once again that voters have the memory of a goldfish with amnesia. Now, he’s gunning for commissioner, because why stop at one questionable elected position when you can collect them like Pokémon cards?

Meanwhile, outgoing Commissioner Margaret Gómez is retiring, probably to spend more time with her family—or, more likely, to finally activate her sleeper agent programming. She gave a touching farewell speech about “service” and “dignity,” which is code for “I’ve done my time, now let me cash in on my lobbying gig.”

So buckle up, Precinct 4. You’re in for another thrilling election cycle filled with empty promises, recycled slogans, and the faint but persistent smell of barbecue being slowly replaced by soy-based alternatives. Wake up, sheeple! The truth is out there… and it’s probably being livestreamed from my basement.