H-E-B's Propitious Mango Ice Cream: Because Austin Needed Another Reason to Feel Superior

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Austin has once again proven itself the epicenter of culinary innovation by — wait for it — selling ice cream at a grocery store. Groundbreaking. Move over, Alamo Drafthouse, because H-E-B is now the city’s true cultural landmark, having achieved the impossible: stocking a dessert that people on TikTok like.

Yes, the Propitious Mango ice cream, a Chinese frozen treat shaped like the fruit it shamelessly impersonates, has arrived in our humble, taco-obsessed city. And let’s be real — if it weren’t for social media influencers hyperventilating into their front-facing cameras about it, would we even care? Probably not. But here we are, lining up like lemmings because a ‘viral food trend’ has blessed our H-E-B aisles with its presence.

What makes this ice cream so special, you ask? Well, it has a white chocolate shell. Revolutionary. Truly, no one has ever encased ice cream in chocolate before. And it’s shaped like a mango. Move over, boring old scoops — the future is aesthetic dairy. Never mind that Austin’s own beloved Amy’s Ice Creams has been hand-mixing weird flavors for decades. No, no, we need imported novelty desserts to feel relevant.

Of course, the real tragedy here is that some poor souls spent months scouring ‘obscure Asian grocery stores’ for this thing, only for H-E-B to casually drop it like, ‘Oh, this old thing? Yeah, we got it.’ Imagine the existential crisis of the Brooklyn foodie who flew to Houston just to get their hands on one, only to find out it’s now next to the Blue Bell in every Texan’s freezer.

But fear not, trend-chasers! If you miss out on the mango, there’s always the peach and lemon versions — because nothing says ‘culinary adventure’ like eating the same gimmick in three different flavors. And for those who can’t bear the horror of actually going outside, you can order it online. Because why support local businesses when you can have viral ice cream delivered straight to your doorstep?

So run, don’t walk, to your nearest H-E-B, Austin. Your Instagram story won’t post itself. And remember — if you don’t document it, did it even happen?