ICE to Immigrants: 'Welcome to Court! (Just Kidding, You’re Under Arrest)'

Folks, I’ve seen some wild things in my time—UFOs over Barton Springs, lizard people infiltrating the Austin City Council—but what’s happening in San Antonio’s immigration court? Let me tell you, it’s a circus, and not the fun kind with cotton candy and clowns (though, let’s be honest, the clowns are definitely running the show).

Congressman Greg Casar, the Austin Democrat who apparently moonlights as a courtroom spectator, waltzed into San Antonio’s immigration court expecting due process and fairness. Bless his heart. Instead, he got front-row seats to what he dramatically called an “unconstitutional death row.” Oh, the horror! Judges dismissing cases faster than a vegan at a barbecue cook-off, ICE agents lurking like bouncers at a speakeasy, and immigrants getting snatched up before they can even ask, “¿Qué pasó?”

Casar, ever the hero, tried to play translator and human shield between federal agents and a Venezuelan man who, by the way, had the audacity to show up to his own hearing. The man flashed his torture scars like they were some kind of Get Out of Jail Free card. Newsflash, buddy: in this administration, your trauma points don’t count for squat. Meanwhile, ICE agents stood there like stone-faced mall cops, probably wondering if they could arrest Casar for obstruction of… well, whatever they feel like obstructing these days.

And let’s talk about Judge Rifian Newaz, who shrugged off responsibility faster than a cat dodging bath time. “I don’t condone the actions; I don’t do the actions,” he said, as if he’s just a guy in a robe reading off a script written by the Department of Homeland Security. Spoiler alert: he is. The whole system’s rigged, folks. They’re kicking out advocates, barring observers, and basically turning the courtroom into a revolving door straight to detention. It’s like a bad reality show where the prize is deportation.

But here’s the kicker: immigrants are starting to wise up. Why show up to court when the outcome is preordained? Griselda Barrera from American Gateways says attendance is dropping faster than Biden’s approval ratings. Can you blame them? One guy traveled all the way from Tampa Bay just to get the VIP escort to an ICE facility. Talk about a wasted trip.

And let’s not forget the heartwarming family moment in the parking lot—a sobbing wife yelling “I told you not to come!” at her handcuffed husband. Ah, nothing says “land of the free” like tearing families apart over paperwork. But hey, at least Secretary Noem is reversing Biden’s “catch and release” policy. Because nothing says “law and order” like treating human beings like stray dogs.

So here’s my takeaway: if you’ve got a court date, maybe just… don’t go. According to Casar, it’s the rational choice. And if you do go, bring a congressman. Or a lawyer. Or a flamethrower. At this point, anything’s better than trusting the system.