Tesla’s AI6 Chips: Because AI5 Was Too Busy Not Working

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Tesla and Samsung have inked a $16.5 billion deal to make AI chips that will, in Elon’s own words, "probably do something insane, bro." The agreement, which runs through 2033, ensures that Samsung’s Taylor fab will be pumping out AI6 chips—because, let’s be honest, AI5 was so last quarter.

Elon Musk, ever the humble visionary, took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly a functional social media platform) to announce the deal with his signature restraint: "The strategic importance of this is hard to overstate." Translation: "We’re printing money, and you’re not invited."

Samsung, meanwhile, played coy in their regulatory filing, referring to Tesla only as a "large global company"—presumably because naming Elon outright would’ve caused their stock to moon before they could cash in.

The AI6 chips will power everything from Tesla’s self-driving cars (which still can’t reliably parallel park) to Optimus robots (which still can’t make a decent latte) to data centers (which will probably just mine Dogecoin when no one’s looking).

Of course, the Taylor plant has faced delays—because what’s a multi-billion-dollar tech project without a little construction drama? Originally slated for 2024, the fab is now targeting a 2026 opening, just in time for AI7 to make it obsolete. But hey, at least it’ll employ 2,000 people, most of whom will spend their days explaining to Elon why the machines keep drawing penises on microchips.

And let’s not forget the real winners here: U.S. taxpayers, who generously chipped in $4.7 billion via the CHIPS Act. Nothing says "public-private partnership" like subsidizing a Korean conglomerate to build gadgets for a guy who once sold flamethrowers as a joke.

Tesla’s Q2 profits? Down 16%. Revenue? Down 12%. Stock price? Up 4% on this news. Because in the tech world, actual performance is just a minor obstacle on the road to hype-driven valuation.

So buckle up, Austin. Your future is now powered by AI6—or as Elon calls it, "the bare minimum." Just don’t ask what it actually does.