Austin’s Weather is Gaslighting Us: A Millennial’s Guide to Surviving a *Gasp* Pleasant July

Oh, the horror. The absolute trauma of Austin’s July weather. As if we didn’t already suffer enough—what with the lack of valet parking at Whole Foods and the audacity of local bars closing before 2 a.m.—now we must endure the indignity of checks notes mildly pleasant temperatures. I mean, how dare the universe deny us our God-given right to sweat through our designer athleisure while waiting 45 minutes for an oat milk cortado?

Yes, dear readers, July 2025 has been a monumental disappointment. Only two days above normal? A measly one triple-digit day? And now they’re telling us the heat dome is coming back like some unwanted ex who still has a key to your apartment. Ugh.

Let’s break it down for those of you who haven’t yet grasped the sheer injustice of it all. Tuesday? 99 degrees. Practically arctic. And with lower humidity? Excuse me, but if I’m not actively melting into a puddle of self-loathing by noon, is it even summer? Wednesday promises to be marginally hotter, with highs in the lower 100s—finally, a glimmer of hope for those of us who enjoy the sensation of our makeup sliding off our faces like a sad, expensive waterfall.

But wait—Thursday threatens to ruin everything again with weakening heat and rain chances. Oh, joy. Nothing says ‘summer vibes’ like being forced to carry an umbrella because the sky has the nerve to cry more than I did when I realized Austin doesn’t have an Erewhon.

So buckle up, fellow sufferers. The weather is indecisive, the humidity is unreliable, and frankly, I’m this close to moving back to L.A. where the heat is consistent and the tacos know their place. Stay strong, my dears. And maybe invest in a portable fan that matches your aesthetic. Priorities.

Riley Monroe is currently boycotting all outdoor activities until further notice. Follow her on Instagram for more hot takes (literally, because she still refuses to adjust her thermostat).