Barton Springs: Where the Water’s Cold and the Men Are Colder

Ah, Barton Springs—Austin’s crown jewel of natural beauty, where the water is crisp, the vibes are supposed to be chill, and the men are… well, apparently still stuck in 1952. This weekend, the city’s favorite swimming hole played host to a scene straight out of a bad after-school special: Three Bros and a Transphobic Meltdown.

According to witnesses (and by witnesses, I mean the ever-reliable Reddit detectives), the incident began when three gentlemen decided that no means try harder and leave us alone translates to harass louder. But things really kicked into high gear when their targets’ transgender friend arrived. Suddenly, the bros morphed into full-blown villains from a very low-budget action movie, swapping pickup lines for slurs and charm for… rocks? Yes, rocks. Because nothing says I’m secure in my masculinity like throwing geology at someone’s face.

Enter the Good Samaritan, a hero we all deserve but few of us would actually step up to be. This brave soul intervened, only to be rewarded with a jaw-breaking souvenir courtesy of Captain Caveman over here. Meanwhile, the actual police showed up—eventually—because nothing says urgent hate crime response like arriving after the EMS has already started patching people up.

Now, APD’s Hate Crime Review Committee is on the case, which sounds official until you realize it’s just a bunch of cops deciding whether bigotry was spicy enough to count as a hate crime. Spoiler: It probably was. But hey, at least they’ve got a dual review process—one part for the crime, one part for the vibes. Because nothing ensures justice like bureaucratic red tape and a committee meeting.

So, if you’re keeping score at home: Austin’s Keep It Weird mantra is now officially Keep It Violently Ignorant, and Barton Springs remains the perfect place to cool off—unless you’re trans, in which case, maybe stick to the kiddie pool. Or better yet, move to Portland. They’ve got better zines there anyway.