Ted Cruz Declares War on Dissent, Labels Protest Organizers 'The RICO Suavez'

In a stunning display of legislative creativity, Senator Ted Cruz has introduced a bill that would classify activist groups as organized crime syndicates—because nothing says "land of the free" like equating protest organizers with the mafia. The bill, which adds "rioting" to the RICO Act, is Cruz’s latest attempt to ensure that dissent is not just discouraged but legally indistinguishable from running a cartel. Because, let’s be honest, if there’s one thing this country needs, it’s more ways to criminalize people who disagree with the government.\n\nCruz, a man who once called the January 6 insurrection a "violent terrorist attack" before backtracking faster than a punk band ditching its major-label contract, now wants to crack down on "domestic NGOs and foreign adversaries" who dare to fund protests. Because, of course, the real threat to national security isn’t armed insurrections—it’s people handing out water bottles at demonstrations.\n\nThe bill’s supporters, including such luminaries as Josh Hawley and Thom Tillis, argue that this is about holding "organizers" accountable. Because nothing says "justice" like treating a grassroots protest like a mob hit. Meanwhile, the Heritage Foundation, a think tank that has never met a civil liberty it didn’t want to dismantle, is cheering this on as a "five-word legislative fix"—because nothing solves complex societal issues like broad, vaguely worded laws ripe for abuse.\n\nAnd let’s not forget the irony here: the same guy who spent years defending the "patriots" who stormed the Capitol now wants to throw the book at anyone who so much as coordinates a sit-in. It’s almost as if the definition of "riot" depends entirely on whose side you’re on. But hey, at least we can all rest easy knowing that Ted Cruz is out here protecting us from the real criminals—people who care about things like immigration rights and police accountability.\n\nThe ACLU, predictably, has not commented, probably because they’re too busy drafting the lawsuit that will inevitably gut this bill faster than a DIY punk show gets shut down by noise complaints. But until then, let’s all raise a glass to Senator Cruz, the man who looked at the RICO Act and thought, 'You know what this needs? More ways to screw over activists.' Truly, a hero for our times.\n\nSo next time you see a protest, remember: according to Ted Cruz, you’re not exercising your First Amendment rights—you’re basically Al Capone with a megaphone. And if that doesn’t make you want to start a band called The RICO Suavez, I don’t know what will.