Texas GOP Redraws Maps, Accidentally Creates New National Park

In a stunning display of geographic creativity, Texas Republicans have unveiled their latest masterpiece: a congressional district so vast it could double as a road trip itinerary. The proposed map stretches from Lubbock to San Antonio—a mere 350-mile jaunt—because nothing says "local representation" like needing a full tank of gas and a podcast queue to visit your own congressperson.

Sources close to the GOP (read: a guy who definitely wasn’t paid to say this) insist the new district is simply about "efficiency" and "keeping communities together." When pressed on which communities, the source clarified, "The community of people who think ‘woke’ is a four-letter word."

Democrats, predictably, are crying foul, claiming the map is a blatant gerrymander. But Republicans have a foolproof counterargument: "Have you seen our art skills? This is clearly just abstract expressionism." Indeed, the district’s shape has been praised by avant-garde cartographers as "a bold commentary on the fragility of democracy."

Meanwhile, voters in the new mega-district are thrilled. "I always wanted my representative to have no idea what my town’s problems are," said one Lubbock resident. "Now I get two for the price of one!" A San Antonio constituent added, "Finally, someone in D.C. who’ll ignore me from twice as far away."

In related news, Texas Republicans are already drafting their next redistricting innovation: a single district that loops around the entire state, because if you’re going to rig the game, you might as well make it a marathon. Critics call it "unconstitutional," but supporters argue it’s just "Texas-sized fairness." After all, why let geography stand in the way of a permanent majority?

Residents are encouraged to submit their own map proposals, with the only rule being that districts must vaguely resemble something—preferably not a middle finger, though that ship may have already sailed. The winning design will be chosen based on which one most effectively turns democracy into a game of Calvinball.

So grab your protractors, Texans! The future of representation is here, and it’s shaped like a Rorschach test—if the inkblot was drawn by someone who thinks ‘bipartisanship’ is a dirty word. Wake up, sheeple! Your district might be next. Or, given the scale of this one, it already is.