Abbott Declares War on Local Governments: 'No More Roads, No More Cops, Just Vibes'

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Governor Greg Abbott has once again declared war on the tyrannical overlords known as local governments. That’s right, folks—your city council, your county commissioners, those pencil-pushing bureaucrats who dare to think they can spend your hard-earned tax dollars on things like roads, police, and airports. The audacity!

Abbott, our fearless leader in the fight against fiscal insanity, has proposed a revolutionary idea: forcing cities and counties to live within their means, just like the state does. And by "live within their means," we mean "starve to death while the state hoards all the money like a dragon sitting on a pile of gold." Because nothing says "freedom" like telling local governments they can’t spend money to keep up with explosive population growth—unless, of course, they grovel before the almighty voter for permission.

But wait, there’s more! Abbott’s master plan includes tying spending increases to inflation and population growth, which sounds reasonable until you realize that fast-growing cities like Austin are expanding faster than a conspiracy theorist’s list of enemies. Under this brilliant scheme, Austin would have to choose between finishing its $4 billion airport expansion (which, let’s be honest, is just a front for the lizard people’s underground lair) or paying lifeguards enough to keep them from defecting to New Mexico.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the poor, oppressed state lawmakers who are forced to dump $51 billion into property tax cuts while simultaneously blaming cities for high taxes. It’s a classic case of "we’ll give you money, but only if you promise not to spend it." Truly, the Texas way.

Meanwhile, counties—those unsung heroes who house prisoners, run elections, and build roads—are being told to do more with less, because apparently, the state’s motto is now "Why pay for it ourselves when we can make someone else do it?"

So buckle up, Texans! The next time your pothole swallows a Prius or your local sheriff’s department is understaffed because they couldn’t afford raises, just remember: it’s all part of Abbott’s grand vision to save you from the real enemy—local governments that dare to think they should be allowed to function. Wake up, sheeple!