East Austin Apartments: Now with Extra "Character" (and Flames)

Ah, another day, another East Austin apartment complex going up in flames. What’s that? The third one this year? Fourth? Honestly, I’ve lost count—it’s like the city’s new urban renewal plan: "Burn It Down and Hope for the Best." And hey, at least this time, the only casualty was a firefighter who got a little too toasty. Silver linings, folks.

Let’s break it down, shall we? Thirty-seven people—26 adults, 11 kids—now get to experience the thrill of Austin’s housing market firsthand. Good luck finding a place that isn’t a converted shipping container or a "cozy" studio with a view of a luxury condo’s air conditioning unit. But don’t worry, the Red Cross is on the scene! Because nothing says "we care" like a folding table with granola bars and a sympathetic nod.

And the cause of the fire? Oh, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that it started with some car fires. Probably not at all related to the fact that this city’s infrastructure is held together by duct tape and the hopes of underpaid service workers. But hey, at least the firefighters did their job—shout-out to the one guy who passed out from heat exhaustion. You’re the real MVP, my dude. Maybe next time, we can just douse the whole block in kombucha and call it "artisanal urban cleansing."

In the meantime, if you’re one of the displaced, welcome to the club! The rent was too damn high anyway. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling you to finally start that punk band and live in a van. Just park it next to mine—we’ll start a commune.