GOP Redistricting: Because Winning Fairly Is Just Too Hard

In a shocking—but not surprising—turn of events, Texas Republicans have unveiled their latest masterpiece: a redistricting map so aggressively gerrymandered it could make a Picasso painting look like a child’s doodle. The GOP’s grand plan? Carve up Texas like a Thanksgiving turkey, ensuring that Democrats are left fighting over scraps while Republicans feast on an extra five seats. Because nothing says "democracy" like redrawing the lines until the opposition disappears.

Houston, Dallas, Austin, and South Texas—the usual suspects in the GOP’s war on fair representation—have been reshuffled like a deck of marked cards. Austin’s progressive firebrands Greg Casar and Lloyd Doggett? Thrown into the same district like a bad roommate situation. Because why have two Democrats when you can have one really frustrated one? Meanwhile, Houston’s Al Green gets exiled to the political equivalent of Siberia, his district now magically transformed into a GOP stronghold. Coincidence? Or just another day in Texas politics?

But wait, there’s more! The GOP’s cartographic wizards didn’t stop there. They’ve also ensured that Fort Worth’s Marc Veasey gets the boot from his own district, because apparently, Black representation in North Texas is just too much democracy. And let’s not forget the suburban districts north of Dallas, where Republicans have performed their usual magic trick: turning blue seats red with the wave of a legislative wand.

Republicans claim this isn’t "as brutally aggressive as it could have been," which is like saying a hurricane isn’t as bad as it could have been if it only knocks down half your house. But don’t worry, folks—Gov. Greg Abbott and his merry band of map manipulators assure us this is all perfectly normal. After all, if you can’t win voters, just move them!

Democrats, predictably, are screaming into the void about "voter suppression" and "racist power grabs," but let’s be real—when has that ever stopped Texas Republicans? The only thing more predictable than GOP gerrymandering is the Democratic response: a mix of outrage, fundraising emails, and the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, the courts will save them. Spoiler alert: they won’t.

So buckle up, Texas. Your vote still counts—just not as much as the GOP’s mapmakers say it does. And remember, in the great game of redistricting, the house always wins. Especially when the house is the one drawing the lines.