Abbott’s Genius Plan: Starve Cities, Blame Them for Being Hungry

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Governor Greg Abbott has unveiled his latest masterstroke to "save" Texas homeowners from the terrifying specter of property taxes. His brilliant plan? Force cities and counties to live like medieval peasants, surviving on nothing but stale bread and the occasional tax cut handout from the state. Because nothing says "freedom" like letting Austin bureaucrats decide whether your local fire department gets funding or if that pothole on your street will be filled sometime before the next ice age.\n\nAbbott, fresh off his victory in the Great Private School Voucher War of 2024, has now set his sights on an even more sinister enemy: local governments daring to spend money on things like "roads," "hospitals," and "elections." His solution? Tie their budgets to population growth and inflation—because clearly, the cost of running a city scales perfectly with how many people move in and whether milk is suddenly more expensive. Never mind that Austin’s airport expansion might actually require, you know, money. What’s next, Governor? Forcing cities to pay for police officers in Bitcoin?\n\nBut wait, there’s more! Abbott’s conservative allies are quick to remind us that cities could always just ask voters for permission to spend more. Because nothing screams "efficient governance" like holding a referendum every time a sewer pipe bursts. "Do you, the people of Austin, approve of spending $5 million to prevent raw sewage from flooding your living room? Vote YES or NO below." And if they vote no? Well, enjoy your new indoor swimming pool, courtesy of the city’s crumbling infrastructure.\n\nMeanwhile, counties—already playing the role of the state’s overworked, underpaid interns—are left wondering how they’re supposed to house prisoners, run elections, and care for the indigent while being told to "spend less." It’s like your boss demanding you work overtime but also insisting you only get paid in expired coupons. But hey, at least the state is generously offering to deduct even more from their budgets if they dare to question why they’re footing the bill for the state’s responsibilities.\n\nAnd let’s not forget the real victims here: the poor, oppressed taxpayers, who are apparently being held hostage by cities that have the audacity to… checks notes… pay their employees competitive wages. Because who needs cops, firefighters, or lifeguards when you could have a slightly smaller tax bill? Abbott’s message is clear: Texas should be a utopia where no one pays taxes, no one gets services, and everyone just sort of figures it out on their own.\n\nSo buckle up, Texans! The state’s new motto might as well be: "Welcome to Texas—where the taxes are low, the roads are crumbling, and the only thing growing faster than our population is our list of unfunded mandates." But hey, at least we’ll all sleep soundly knowing that our local governments are living within their means—even if that means living in the Dark Ages. Wake up, sheeple! The deep state tofu agenda is coming for your barbecue next.\n\nREAD MORE: Texas Legislature Accidentally Funds Something Useful, Immediately Regrets It