Texas GOP Redraws Map, Accidentally Creates Modern Art Masterpiece

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except everyone with a functioning brain), Texas Republicans have unveiled their latest masterpiece: a redistricting map so aggressively gerrymandered it could make a Picasso painting look like a child’s stick figure. The GOP, in their infinite wisdom, has decided that democracy is just too fair, so they’ve redrawn the lines to ensure Republicans pick up five more seats—because, let’s be honest, winning elections the old-fashioned way (by appealing to voters) is so last century.

Houston, Dallas, Austin, and South Texas—home to pesky Democratic strongholds—have been given the honor of being surgically dismantled by Republican mapmakers. Austin’s progressive duo, Greg Casar and Lloyd Doggett, are now being forced into a political Thunderdome where only one can emerge victorious. Casar, ever the drama queen, called it "illegal voter suppression," but let’s be real—if Republicans didn’t want Black and Latino voters to have a say, they’d just make voting on Sundays illegal. Oh wait…

Meanwhile, in Harris County, Al Green’s district has been relocated to the far eastern edges of civilization, where the only thing redder than the voters is the barbecue sauce. And let’s not forget South Texas, where Democrats Henry Cuellar and Vicente Gonzalez are about to discover that their districts now include a surprising number of Republican-leaning cacti.

Republicans, ever the humble victors, could’ve gone even more nuclear with their gerrymandering, but they showed restraint—because nothing says "fair play" like only rigging the game a little bit. Democrats, of course, are crying foul, with Hakeem Jeffries calling it a "racist power grab." But come on, folks—this is Texas. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

So grab your popcorn, folks, because the 2026 elections are going to be a wild ride. And remember: in Texas, the only thing more flexible than the redistricting lines is the GOP’s commitment to democracy.