Austin’s Weekly Roundup: Overpriced Eats, Pretentious Arts, and Dates You’ll Regret

Ah, another week in Austin, where the heat is oppressive, the tacos are just okay, and the culture is so underground it might as well be buried. But fear not, dear transplants and locals who still haven’t figured out what ‘weird’ actually means—your trusty guide to surviving this quaint little city is here. Let’s dive into the latest ‘news’ that’s really just a list of things you’ll pretend to care about until something trendier opens next week.

First, the weather. Because nothing says ‘riveting journalism’ like a meteorologist telling us it’s still hot. Wow, shocker. A ‘weak cold front’ is coming, which in Austin-speak means the temperature might drop to a balmy 95 degrees, and there’s a 20% chance of rain—or as locals call it, ‘a spiritual experience.’ Pack an umbrella, they say. Sure, if you want to look like a tourist. Real Austinites just let their artisanal, locally sourced hair frizz into oblivion.

Now, onto the real tragedy: Jim-Jim’s Water Ice is closing. Yes, the same place you’ve been meaning to try for three years but never did because the line was ‘too long’ and you were too busy Instagramming your overpriced acai bowl. But don’t worry, there’s a new seafood spot from a former Justine’s chef—because nothing says ‘Austin’ like paying $28 for three shrimp and a side of existential dread. And let’s not forget the La La Kind Cafe, a viral L.A. chain that’s here to remind us that Austin is just L.A. with worse traffic and more cowboy boots.

For those of you who still think ‘culture’ means staring at a painting for five seconds before taking a selfie with it, Michael Barnes has graciously outlined the fall arts scene. There’s a musical based on The Outsiders (because nothing says ‘cutting-edge’ like a 40-year-old book), and the ballet is doing Marie Antoinette: Vampire Queen of Versailles—a title so extra it could only exist in a city that unironically says ‘keep Austin weird.’

And for the romantics among us (or, more likely, the people who just want an excuse to day-drink), Ana Gutierrez is back with Dating on a Dime. Because nothing sparks romance like sweating through your linen shirt at Blues on the Green or arguing over putt-putt at Peter Pan Mini Golf while secretly judging your date’s choice of canned wine. And if all else fails, you can always audition for Love Is Blind—because nothing says ‘true love’ like getting engaged to a stranger in a pod while Netflix cameras capture your every awkward pause.

So there you have it, folks. Another week in Austin, where the hype never dies, the humidity never relents, and the culture is always just out of reach. But hey, at least the tacos are… well, they’re fine. Probably.