‘Where Were You?’: Dan Patrick Demands Answers After County Judge Misses Flood Because He Was Busy… Existing

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted (except maybe anyone with a weather app), Kerr County Judge Rob Kelly was caught red-handed—not by floodwaters, but by the unforgiving wrath of Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, who apparently moonlights as a disaster attendance officer. At a hearing that felt more like a public shaming than a fact-finding mission, Patrick grilled Kelly for the heinous crime of checks notes being at home on a national holiday while his county drowned.

Kelly, who was reportedly preparing for a family gathering (a suspiciously vague alibi, if you ask me), claimed he was awakened by frantic calls from emergency officials. But let’s be real—if you’re a county judge and your first thought at 5 a.m. isn’t ‘I should probably check the flood alerts,’ maybe you’re in the wrong line of work. Or maybe you’re just too committed to that Fourth of July potato salad.

Meanwhile, the county’s emergency management coordinator, W.B. “Dub” Thomas, was out sick—because nothing says ‘preparedness’ like a paid day off right before a biblical flood. Sheriff Larry Leitha, bless his heart, admitted he wasn’t awakened until 4:20 a.m., which, coincidentally, is also the time most college students start their day. When asked why no one sounded the alarm sooner, Leitha offered a groundbreaking solution: ‘Maybe they can call me earlier.’ Revolutionary.

Kelly’s defense? Evacuating would’ve caused ‘one heck of a traffic jam.’ Because nothing says ‘effective leadership’ like prioritizing smooth traffic flow over, you know, not drowning. State Sen. Paul Bettencourt, ever the voice of reason, suggested maybe, just maybe, someone could’ve told people to ‘get to higher ground.’ Kelly’s response? ‘I agree.’ Wow. Stunning insight.

And let’s not forget the real heroes here: the National Weather Service, which issued flood warnings hours before anyone in Kerr County bothered to check their phones. But hey, who has time for weather alerts when there’s barbecue to be eaten and naps to be taken?

In the end, Patrick’s message was clear: if you’re a public official, you’d better be on call 24/7—even on holidays, even when you’re sick, even when you’re elbow-deep in marinade. Because if you’re not, Dan Patrick will personally show up to ask why you weren’t there to hold back the floodwaters with your bare hands.

As for Kelly? He declined to comment, calling the press ‘offensive and intrusive.’ Translation: ‘I’d rather face another flood than another reporter.’ Fair enough.