Hakeem Jeffries Declares War on Maps, Common Sense in Austin

Oh, the horror! The absolute travesty! Hakeem Jeffries, the top Democrat in the U.S. House, has descended upon Austin like some kind of political Batman, here to save Texas from the evil clutches of—checks notes—fair elections. That’s right, folks. The man who could be one seat flip away from becoming Speaker of the House is here to protect you from the GOP’s diabolical scheme to… draw maps. Maps, people! The most terrifying weapon in the deep state’s arsenal since mail-in ballots.

Jeffries, flanked by a who’s who of Texas Democrats who apparently haven’t gotten the memo that they’re supposed to lose, stood in the Capitol and delivered a stirring message: We’re not the Alamo! Which, honestly, is a relief, because the last time Texans made a heroic last stand, it didn’t end well for them. But fear not! Jeffries isn’t here to fight—he’s here to raise awareness. Because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of Republicans like a strongly worded press conference.

Meanwhile, the GOP is busy redrawing districts like a toddler with a crayon, ensuring that Democrats like Lloyd Doggett and Al Green will soon be as politically relevant as a flip phone. Green, who is Black (a fact he mentioned approximately 47 times, because apparently that’s relevant to district lines), claims the new map will disenfranchise voters of color. But let’s be real—if the GOP really wanted to disenfranchise voters, they’d just make everyone stand in line for six hours in the Texas heat. Oh wait…

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the Texas Hill Country flood victims, who are being completely overshadowed by this partisan bickering. Because nothing says relief and recovery like a bunch of politicians arguing over which shade of blue their district should be. Jeffries, ever the champion of the people, made sure to remind everyone that this special session should be about flood relief—but instead, it’s about him getting one step closer to the presidency. Priorities, people!

So what’s the endgame? Court battles, public outcry, and—if all else fails—a quorum break that would require 51 Democrats to flee the state like fugitives from a bad political thriller. Because nothing says democracy like elected officials abandoning their posts. But hey, at least they’ll have Jeffries’ moral support—which, as we all know, is just as good as actual votes.

In conclusion: wake up, sheeple! The Democrats are coming for your districts, your barbecue, and probably your precious bodily fluids. Or something like that. I don’t know, I stopped paying attention after the third mention of disenfranchisement. All I know is, if you’re a Texas Democrat, you’d better start practicing your Oh no, we lost again face. Because under these new maps, you’re gonna need it.