Healthcare in Texas: The Government’s Latest Plot to Make You Sick (and Broke)

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it for years), the federal government has decided to make healthcare even more of a dystopian nightmare for Texans. That’s right, folks—your beloved Big Beautiful Bill, signed with all the fanfare of a Fourth of July fireworks show, is about to turn your medical coverage into a game of Russian roulette, but with higher stakes and fewer winners.

Let’s start with the Marketplace, where premiums are set to skyrocket by a cool 75%. That’s not a typo, my fellow patriots. The government, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the best way to 'help' you is by making sure you can’t afford insurance unless you’re willing to sell a kidney—which, ironically, might actually cover your deductible. And if you’re one of those 'healthy' people who thought you could just waltz through life without a care in the world, think again. The system needs your money to subsidize everyone else, so prepare to pay up or face the consequences of a surprise appendectomy that costs more than your car.

But wait, there’s more! The Marketplace is also getting a bureaucratic upgrade, because nothing says 'efficiency' like requiring more paperwork than a CIA background check. Gone are the days of automatic re-enrollment. Now, you’ll need to verify your income, predict next year’s earnings like a psychic, and pray the IRS doesn’t decide to audit you for fun. And if you’re a Dreamer? Tough luck. The government has decided that your contributions to society don’t include the right to see a doctor without bankrupting yourself.

Meanwhile, Medicaid is getting the same treatment as a Thanksgiving turkey—carved up and served with a side of red tape. Eligibility checks every six months? Check. Fewer services because hospitals can’t afford to treat you? Check. And let’s not forget the classic 'shift the cost to private payers' move, because why solve a problem when you can just make it someone else’s problem?

So what’s a Texan to do? Well, if you’re lucky enough to live in Travis County, you might qualify for a program with a name so generic it sounds like a knockoff GPS app. Otherwise, you’re left to navigate the labyrinth of federally qualified clinics, where the waiting rooms are longer than the line at Franklin Barbecue and the funding is as stable as a Jenga tower in an earthquake.

But hey, at least we’ll always have barbecue. Unless, of course, the deep state tofu lobby gets its way. Wake up, sheeple! The healthcare apocalypse is here, and it’s billing by the hour.