Samsung’s Profits Crash Harder Than Their Phones, But They’ve Got a *Plan* (Maybe)

Ah, Samsung. The tech giant that brought us exploding phones and now, apparently, exploding profits—down a staggering 55% this quarter. But don’t worry, folks, because they’ve got a master plan: a $17 billion chip plant in Taylor, Texas, that’s already two years behind schedule. Because nothing says "cutting-edge technology" like a construction timeline that moves slower than a dial-up internet connection.

Let’s break this down. Samsung’s chip division—the one that’s supposed to be printing money—just saw profits drop 93.8%. That’s not a typo. That’s the kind of freefall usually reserved for crypto bros who YOLO’d their life savings into Dogecoin. And yet, Samsung’s VP of semiconductor foundry business, Noh Mi-jung, is out here talking about "inflection points" and "higher, more stable fab utilization" like she’s pitching a Silicon Valley startup to a room full of venture capitalists who’ve had one too many oat milk lattes.

Meanwhile, the Taylor plant, which was supposed to be churning out chips by 2024, is now targeting a 2026 launch. That’s right—Samsung’s "next-gen" facility is on track to be obsolete by the time it opens. But hey, at least they’ve got that sweet $16.5 billion deal with Tesla, because nothing says "stable business partner" like a company whose CEO is too busy posting memes to keep his own factories running on time.

And let’s not forget the cherry on top: Trump’s proposed 15% tariff on South Korean chips. Because if there’s one thing the tech industry needs, it’s more trade wars. Samsung’s response? A solemn warning about "geopolitical uncertainty." Translation: "We’re about to get wrecked, and we’re not even sure by whom."

So here’s to you, Samsung. May your profits rise like your phones once did—spectacularly, and then straight into the ground. But hey, at least Austin gets another half-built tech campus to add to its collection. Disruption, baby! 🚀💥