'Unforeseeable' Flood Catches Officials Off Guard—Because Checking the Weather Is Hard

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted—except, you know, anyone with a weather app—Kerr County officials have revealed that they were either not home or 'out sick' when a deadly flash flood decided to crash their July 4th barbecue plans. County Judge Rob Kelly, who was busy setting up for a family gathering at his lake house (priorities, people!), claims he received 'no alerts' about the impending disaster. Apparently, the National Weather Service forgot to send him a personal invitation to the flood party. Meanwhile, W.B. 'Dub' Thomas, the county’s emergency management coordinator, was on paid time off, nursing what we can only assume was a severe case of 'not my problem.' He was awoken at 5:30 a.m. by a call asking him to respond to the floods, which, let’s be honest, is way too early for any government employee to be functional.

But don’t worry, folks, because Judge Kelly has assured us that this flood was a '1,000-year event' and 'very much worth studying.' Translation: 'We had no idea this could happen, and we’d like more money to pretend we’ll be ready next time.' The storm, which 'overwhelmed the watershed,' apparently didn’t get the memo that it was supposed to follow typical weather patterns. Who knew water could be so unpredictable?

In a bold move, Kerr County officials have requested more resources, including a flood warning system (revolutionary!) and better cell service, because apparently, in 2024, some parts of Texas still communicate via carrier pigeon. Kerrville City Manager Dalton Rice chimed in, asking for 'localized predictive weather modeling,' which is bureaucrat for 'we’d like a crystal ball, please.'

And let’s not forget the star-studded lineup of Texas GOP leaders who graced the hearing with their presence. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and House Speaker Dustin Burrows, who usually avoid public hearings like they avoid acknowledging climate change, showed up to promise that they’ll 'not quit' until they’ve done 'everything' they can. Which, given their track record, means thoughts, prayers, and maybe a strongly worded letter.

So, to recap: officials were absent, the flood was 'unforeseeable,' and the solution is more money. Wake up, sheeple! The real conspiracy here isn’t the deep state—it’s the fact that no one in charge seems to know what they’re doing. But hey, at least Judge Kelly’s lake house is fine. Priorities.