Memorial Day Madness: Texans Willingly Subject Themselves to Traffic Hell for 'Cheap' Gas

Ah, Memorial Day—the sacred American holiday where we honor fallen heroes by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, inhaling exhaust fumes, and engaging in passive-aggressive battles over parking spots at Buc-ee’s. This year, a staggering 3.7 million Texans will participate in this time-honored tradition, proving once again that nothing unites us like the shared misery of road trips and questionable gas station hot dogs.

AAA, the organization that exists solely to remind you that your car warranty is expiring, has some groundbreaking advice: leave early. Wow. Who knew? Apparently, if you depart before noon, you might only spend four hours in traffic instead of six. Revolutionary.

But fear not, frugal road warriors! Gas prices are only $2.77 a gallon in Texas, which is basically free compared to the national average of $3.19. That’s right—for the low, low price of a kidney, you can fill up your tank and still have enough left over for a lukewarm energy drink from Circle K. And if you’re really lucky, you might even find a pump that hasn’t been vandalized by someone who still thinks ‘Biden did this’ is peak political commentary.

For those of you who enjoy playing Russian roulette with your fuel quality, GasBuddy has helpfully compiled a list of the cheapest gas stations in Texas. Spoiler alert: most of them are in places where the only other attractions are a Dollar General and a suspiciously active bail bonds office. But hey, saving 10 cents a gallon is worth the risk of your car developing a mysterious new rattle, right?

And let’s not forget the real heroes of Memorial Day travel: the brave souls who attempt to merge onto I-35 without signaling. May your GPS lead you to a Buc-ee’s with clean bathrooms and minimal existential dread. Happy driving, y’all—just don’t forget to honk at least once per mile to assert dominance. It’s the Texan way.