Austin’s I-35 Park Plan: A Highway to Nowhere (Literally)

Oh, great. Just what Austin needs—another multi-million-dollar boondoggle disguised as "urban renewal." The city council, in their infinite wisdom, has decided to slap some grass and a few benches on top of I-35 and call it a "park." Because nothing says "healing the East-West divide" like a glorified sidewalk over a highway that’s still going to be jammed with traffic. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t about "reuniting the city"—it’s about the deep state’s plot to turn Austin into a dystopian playground for tech bros and kale-munching elites.

Let’s break this down. The original plan was a cool $868 million. Then, like every government project ever, it ballooned to $1.4 billion. But don’t worry, they’ve "scaled it back" to a mere $649 million. That’s like saying, "I was going to buy a private jet, but I settled for a gold-plated golf cart." And who’s footing the bill? You guessed it—the taxpayers. But hey, at least we’ll get some "pedestrian bridges" so we can all walk 300 feet across a highway while inhaling exhaust fumes. Progress!

And let’s talk about these so-called "caps." They’re basically putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. Instead of fixing the actual problem—you know, the fact that I-35 is a parking lot—they’re just covering it up with a few trees and maybe a beer garden. Because nothing solves traffic congestion like a place to sip overpriced IPAs while your car idles below. And don’t even get me started on the "maintenance costs"—tens of millions per year to keep the grass green and the fountains flowing. Priorities, people!

But here’s the real kicker: construction won’t even start until 2029, and the decks might not be built for decades. That’s right, folks. By the time this thing is done, we’ll all be commuting in flying cars—or more likely, still stuck in traffic on I-35, staring up at a half-finished park that’s already over budget. But hey, at least the city council can pat themselves on the back for "making history" while they funnel more money into their pet projects.

And let’s not forget the University of Texas, who’s considering building their own cap near their future medical center. Because nothing says "world-class education" like a park over a highway. Maybe they’ll offer a degree in "Urban Greenwashing 101."

In the end, this is just another example of Austin’s elite pushing their agenda while the rest of us pay for it. But don’t worry—by 2043, when the next "once-in-a-generation" opportunity rolls around, maybe we’ll finally realize that covering a highway with grass doesn’t actually fix anything. Until then, enjoy the view from your taxpayer-funded pedestrian bridge. Just don’t look down.