GOP’s Speaker Chaos: When ‘Owning the Libs’ Turns Into Begging for Their Votes

Oh, the sweet, sweet irony of Texas Republicans—masters of unity, champions of self-reliance—now groveling at the feet of the very Democrats they swore to marginalize. It’s like watching a cowboy try to rope a bull with spaghetti. You love to see it.

Here’s the situation: The GOP, with their expanded majority (because, you know, Texas), somehow can’t agree on who should be Speaker of the House. It’s like a family reunion where everyone insists they’re the rightful heir to Grandma’s secret chili recipe, but no one can actually cook.

Enter Rep. David Cook, the GOP’s consensus pick—emphasis on the air quotes. Cook, bless his heart, thought he had this in the bag. But then, like a bad Tinder date, his own party ghosted him. So what’s a desperate Republican to do? Turn to the Democrats, of course! Because nothing says conservative values like begging the opposition for help.

Cook’s big play? Offering Democrats gasp public education reforms. That’s right, folks. The same party that’s been gutting public schools for years is now suddenly open to teacher pay raises and maybe—just maybe—ditching those beloved STAAR tests. How generous. How bipartisan. How utterly pathetic.

Meanwhile, Democrats, smelling blood in the water, are sitting back like, Oh, you need us now? Rep. Trey Martinez Fischer, the ultimate political troll, basically told his caucus: Make ‘em sweat. And why shouldn’t they? If Republicans can’t even organize a two-car funeral with an 88-seat majority, maybe they don’t deserve to run the show.

So here we are, days before the session starts, and the GOP’s grand plan to own the libs has devolved into a circus of backroom deals and empty promises. The only thing unifying Texas Republicans right now is their sheer incompetence. And honestly? It’s the most entertaining thing to happen in Austin since that one time a goat wandered into the Capitol.

Stay tuned, folks. This train wreck is just getting started.