Greg Abbott’s Texas Takeover: How One Man Turned the Legislature Into His Personal Puppet Show

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for everyone with a functioning brain), Governor Greg Abbott has once again proven that he is the undisputed king of Texas politics. That’s right, folks—our fearless leader, who may or may not be part cyborg, has steamrolled through yet another legislative session like a bulldozer fueled by corporate donations and conservative talking points.

Abbott, who has been governor since roughly the dawn of time (or 2014, whichever came first), has somehow convinced the Texas Legislature that his vision for the state—privatized education, corporate immunity, and a justice system that locks up anyone who looks at a cop funny—is the only way forward. And how did he do it? By ruthlessly purging any Republican who dared to question his divine authority. Remember those pesky rural Republicans who thought maybe public schools were worth saving? Gone. Voted out. Replaced by yes-men who know better than to cross the governor unless they want their political careers to end up in a shallow grave next to the Alamo.

But let’s not forget Abbott’s crowning achievement: the so-called “school choice” bill, which is really just a fancy way of saying, “Let’s take taxpayer money and give it to private schools that don’t have to follow any rules.” Critics call it a voucher scam. Abbott calls it “freedom.” And by “freedom,” he means the freedom for wealthy suburbanites to get a tax break while rural schools crumble into dust.

And what’s next on the agenda? More corporate handouts, of course! Because nothing says “Texas values” like letting Elon Musk sue you into oblivion while you can’t sue him back. Abbott’s latest bill ensures that big businesses can operate with near-total impunity, because who needs accountability when you’ve got lobbyists writing the laws?

But wait, there’s more! Abbott’s also promising teacher pay raises—just enough to keep educators from fleeing the state en masse—and stricter bail laws, because nothing solves crime like locking up poor people before they’ve even had a trial. It’s all part of his master plan to turn Texas into a libertarian dystopia where the rich get richer, the poor get prison, and the middle class gets a bill in the mail.

And let’s not overlook the real reason Abbott’s on this winning streak: cold, hard cash. The man’s campaign war chest is so stuffed with corporate donations that it could probably fund a small country. With $70 million in the bank and no signs of slowing down, Abbott’s already gearing up for his fourth term—because apparently, democracy is just a suggestion when you’ve got unlimited dark money and a legislature full of yes-men.

So buckle up, Texas. The Abbott Express shows no signs of stopping, and unless you’re a billionaire or a private school administrator, you’re probably just along for the ride—whether you like it or not.