Hegar’s Great Escape: How One Man’s Career Move Could Unleash Tofu-Based Anarchy in Texas

Oh, the humanity! Glenn Hegar, the Texas Comptroller, is abandoning his post to become the new chancellor of the Texas A&M University System. That’s right, folks—he’s trading in his calculator for a foam finger and a lifetime supply of Aggie jokes. But don’t worry, this isn’t just a simple job change. No, no. This is a carefully orchestrated deep-state maneuver to destabilize Texas politics and usher in an era of tofu-based governance. Wake up, sheeple!

Hegar’s departure means Governor Greg Abbott gets to handpick his replacement, and you just know he’s going to appoint someone who’s been pre-approved by the shadowy cabal of Austin elites. Rumor has it they’re already vetting candidates in a secret underground bunker beneath Franklin Barbecue, where they force-feed them kale smoothies to test their loyalty to the New World Order.

Meanwhile, Republicans are lining up like it’s Black Friday at a Bass Pro Shop. Christi Craddick, the Railroad Commissioner (which, by the way, hasn’t regulated railroads since the invention of the automobile), has already thrown her hat in the ring. And let’s not forget Don Huffines, the guy who challenged Abbott in the primary and probably still has ‘I Told You So’ bumper stickers lying around. If Abbott appoints Craddick, it’ll create a domino effect of vacancies, leading to more appointments, more chaos, and—if we’re lucky—a full-blown political cage match at the next GOP convention.

But here’s the real kicker: Trump’s tariff tantrums could send the economy into a tailspin just in time for the 2026 elections. And you know what that means—Democrats will crawl out of their Austin hidey-holes, pointing fingers and screaming about how Republicans ruined everything. Never mind that they’ve been MIA since Ann Richards was governor. They’ll show up like your weird uncle at Thanksgiving, ready to argue about politics while stealing all the deviled eggs.

So buckle up, Texas. The comptroller’s office is about to become the Hunger Games, and the only rule is: no tofu allowed. (Unless the deep state wins. Then it’s mandatory.)