DEMOCRATS ALLOWED TO TALK IN TEXAS HOUSE: REPUBLICANS DECLARE STATE OF EMERGENCY

Oh, the horror! The absolute travesty! The Texas House Republicans are clutching their pearls and hyperventilating into their cowboy hats because—gasp—Democrats might actually get to speak in committee hearings. That’s right, folks. The sky is falling, the Alamo is under siege again, and the ghost of Sam Houston is weeping into his brisket.

In a shocking turn of events that no one could have predicted (except, you know, anyone who’s ever watched Texas politics), the new House Speaker, Dustin Burrows, had the audacity to gasp accept Democratic votes to secure his position. And now, the Democrats—those dastardly tofu-loving, electric-car-driving radicals—have been granted the privilege of serving as vice chairs on committees. Worse yet, they might even get to invite witnesses to testify! The tyranny! The oppression! The sheer, unadulterated communism of it all!

But fear not, patriots, because Rep. Brian Harrison of Waxahachie is here to save the day. This brave soul has taken it upon himself to warn the world that the Texas House is about to become the "Texas DNC Network." That’s right, folks. Soon, your beloved House broadcasts will be overrun with radical leftist propaganda, like facts and diverse viewpoints. Next thing you know, they’ll be forcing you to recycle your Shiner Bottles and replace your Whataburger with kale smoothies.

And let’s not forget the real victim in all of this: the poor, oppressed Republican lawmakers who didn’t get to deliver their fiery speeches because Burrows had the nerve to cut off debate. The injustice! The cruelty! The absolute betrayal of democracy! How dare he deny these brave souls their God-given right to filibuster until the cows come home?

But here’s the real kicker: despite all the hand-wringing and performative outrage, the Republicans still hold an 88-62 majority. That’s right. They could pass a bill declaring barbecue the official state religion tomorrow if they wanted to. But instead, they’re throwing tantrums because Democrats might get to ask questions in committee.

So, to recap: Texas Republicans are still in charge, still passing whatever legislation they want, and still whining like toddlers who dropped their pacifiers in the brisket sauce. But hey, at least they’ve given us all something to laugh about. God bless Texas—and God help us all.