Texas Democrats Discover the Bible, Immediately Use It to Own the GOP

In a stunning turn of events that no one saw coming—except maybe Jesus—Texas Democrats have apparently discovered the Bible. Yes, the same book that’s been collecting dust on their nightstands next to The Communist Manifesto and How to Abolish the Police in 10 Easy Steps is now being wielded as a political weapon. Who knew scripture could be so… progressive?

State Rep. Rafael Anchia, a man so liberal he probably composts his own guilt, stood on the House floor and did the unthinkable: he quoted the New Testament. Not just any verse, mind you, but the one about loving thy neighbor—a radical concept in a state where the GOP’s idea of neighborly love is making sure trans kids can’t pee in peace. Anchia’s speech was met with the usual chorus of Republican heckling, because nothing triggers the right quite like someone using their own holy book against them.

Meanwhile, Rep. James Talarico, a man who somehow juggles divinity school and TikTok fame, is out here doing the Lord’s work—literally. He spent two and a half hours on Joe Rogan’s podcast, which, for those keeping score, is roughly one hour longer than the average conservative’s attention span. Talarico’s strategy? Convince the youth that Jesus was, in fact, the original socialist. (Spoiler: He was. Have you read the Sermon on the Mount?)

But let’s be real: this sudden Democratic fascination with faith is about as convincing as a megachurch pastor’s tears during donation hour. For decades, the party treated religion like an embarrassing uncle at Thanksgiving—nodding politely before changing the subject to healthcare. Now, faced with the existential crisis of losing yet another election, they’ve decided maybe, just maybe, God isn’t a Republican after all.

Will this newfound piety work? Unclear. But if Democrats can rebrand the Bible as a progressive manifesto, they might just have a prayer. And if not, there’s always the fallback plan: free college and canceling student debt. Amen to that.