Texas Government: A Masterclass in Doing the Least with the Most

Ah, the Texas Legislature—where the laws are made up, the pay doesn’t matter, and the constitution is longer than a CVS receipt. That’s right, folks, your beloved Lone Star State is still running on a government blueprint written in 1876, back when people thought leeches were cutting-edge medicine. And let’s be honest, some of our lawmakers still do.

First up: the legendary 140-day biennial session. That’s right, Texas lawmakers only work every other year, like a teenager with a summer job but with way more power to ruin your life. And even then, they spend the first 60 days doing… what, exactly? Probably arguing over who makes the best brisket while the rest of us wonder why our property taxes are higher than Willie Nelson on a tour bus. But don’t worry—if the governor declares an “emergency” (like, say, banning drag shows or making sure kids can’t read books with the word “equality” in them), they’ll spring into action faster than a rattlesnake in a boot.

Now, let’s talk about the $7,200 salary. That’s right, your average Texas lawmaker makes less than a part-time barista at Starbucks. But here’s the kicker: stick around for 12 years, and you get a juicy pension tied to a judge’s salary. So really, it’s just a long con to retire comfortably after a career of doing as little as possible. Genius. Meanwhile, in California, lawmakers make six figures, but let’s be real—those guys are probably spending it all on avocado toast and yoga classes. Texas? We’re frugal. We’d rather pay our politicians in Whataburger coupons and expired H-E-B coupons.

And then there’s the Texas Constitution, a document so bloated it makes a Thanksgiving turkey look anorexic. Over 500 amendments, y’all. We’ve amended this thing more times than a conspiracy theorist edits their Facebook rants. And yet, every time someone suggests a rewrite, it’s like herding cats—if the cats were all armed and screaming about states’ rights. The last attempt in 1974 failed because, shocker, politicians couldn’t agree on anything. Some things never change.

So here we are, folks. A government that meets less often than your flaky Tinder date, pays its employees in loose change, and operates under a constitution that’s basically a scrapbook of bad ideas. But hey, at least we’re not New Hampshire, where lawmakers make $100 a year and probably have to busk on the side to afford rent. Texas may be a mess, but it’s our mess. And if you don’t like it, well, the Legislature won’t be in session to hear your complaints until 2025. Wake up, sheeple!