Texas House Committee Assignments: Who Got the Golden Ticket and Who’s Stuck in Detention?

The Texas House has finally settled its speaker drama, and by "settled," I mean they’ve decided which Republicans get to sit at the cool kids' table while the rest are banished to the legislative equivalent of the kiddie pool. Speaker Dustin Burrows, fresh off his victory in what can only be described as a high-stakes game of musical chairs (but with more backstabbing), has now doled out committee assignments like a cafeteria lady serving mystery meat—some get the good stuff, others get the soggy tater tots.

Let’s be real, folks. This whole process is just adult high school politics with fancier titles. Will Burrows reward his loyal followers? Of course. Will he punish the dissenters? Absolutely. Will there be backroom deals, whispered threats, and the occasional passive-aggressive tweet? You bet your taxpayer-funded salary there will be. And don’t even get me started on the Democrats—relegated to subcommittee chairs like they’re the substitute teachers of the Texas Legislature. "Here, you can oversee the committee on… uh… whatever this is. Just don’t touch anything important."

But here’s the real kicker: Burrows had to give a few chairmanships to his rivals because, shockingly, there aren’t enough experienced Republicans who actually supported him. That’s like being forced to invite your ex to your wedding because you ran out of friends. And let’s not forget the real winners here—the lobbyists! Nothing says "democracy in action" like special interest groups lining up to cozy up to the lawmakers who can make or break their industries. It’s like a high-stakes dating game, except instead of roses, they’re handing out campaign donations.

So, as the House prepares to "get to work" (read: argue for another 105 days), let’s all take a moment to appreciate the sheer spectacle of it all. Because if there’s one thing Texas politics never fails to deliver, it’s drama—just with more bolo ties and less actual governing.