Texas Legislature Declares War on the Dead: ‘No Honors for the Woke Departed’

In a stunning display of legislative efficiency, the Texas House has once again proven that nothing—not even death—can escape the clutches of partisan warfare. This week, lawmakers took a bold stand against honoring the deceased, because apparently, even in the afterlife, you can’t escape the culture wars.

The controversy? A memorial resolution for Cecile Richards, former president of Planned Parenthood. Now, I know what you’re thinking: "But Alex, shouldn’t we honor all Texans who’ve made an impact?" Wrong. According to House Republicans, honoring someone who championed women’s healthcare is akin to spitting on the Bible—right before Easter, no less. Rep. Andy Hopper called it "an affront to the dignity of this chamber," which is rich coming from a body that once debated whether jalapeño poppers should be the official state appetizer.

Democrats, bless their naive hearts, tried to appeal to tradition, pointing out that the House usually sets aside politics to honor the dead. But Republicans weren’t having it. Rep. Nate Shatzline declared, "We are a pro-life state," conveniently forgetting that being pro-life might also include respecting the lives of those who’ve passed. But hey, why let logic interfere with a good old-fashioned moral panic?

In the end, all 19 memorial resolutions were punted back to committee, because nothing says "Texas values" like refusing to acknowledge someone’s existence posthumously. The real tragedy? We’ll never know if George William Strake Jr. would’ve wanted his legacy tied to this circus.

Meanwhile, Rep. Donna Howard, the resolution’s sponsor, delivered a heartfelt speech about unity, which roughly translated to: "Y’all are embarrassing." She even threw in a sly dig about Richards "continuing to have an impact," because nothing triggers the GOP like a dead woman still winning.

So here we are, folks. In Texas, even death isn’t sacred—just another battleground in the endless war of who can out-virtue-signal whom. Stay woke, and remember: if you die, make sure your résumé is GOP-approved. Otherwise, you might just be ghosted by the legislature.