Cornyn’s Soft-Serve Shenanigans: A Scoop of Political Desperation in Texas

In a stunning display of political theater that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush, Senator John Cornyn was spotted this week attempting to scoop soft-serve ice cream at a local Austin burger joint. Sources confirm the senator, who once waited tables at a Steak and Ale, has now set his sights on a far more dangerous career path: dessert artistry. Witnesses say Cornyn’s technique was 'nearly as pretty' as the owner’s—a shocking revelation, given that most politicians can’t even scoop their own dignity out of a bucket these days.

But don’t be fooled by the creamy swirls and chocolate dips—this was no innocent ice cream social. No, folks, this was a covert operation to distract Texans from the real issues, like whether the 2017 tax cuts will survive long enough to fund another round of political soft-serve stunts. Cornyn, ever the humble statesman, quipped, 'I think I’ll keep my day job.' Too bad, Senator—your ice cream skills might be the only thing voters remember by 2026.

Meanwhile, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, Cornyn’s would-be primary rival, was busy in Washington, D.C., watching Trump dismantle the Department of Education—presumably so future generations won’t be burdened with pesky things like 'facts' or 'critical thinking.' Paxton, no stranger to controversy (or indictments), took to X to remind Cornyn that no amount of ice cream diplomacy can erase past disloyalty to Trump. 'We all remember when you said President Trump’s time had passed him by,' Paxton sneered, conveniently ignoring that Trump’s time has, in fact, passed by several times—like a bad taco truck.

Cornyn, ever the optimist, brushed off the threat, boasting about his 76% primary win in 2020. But let’s be real—winning a Republican primary in Texas these days is about as difficult as convincing a Texan that brisket isn’t a food group. The real question is: Can Cornyn survive the ultimate test—Paxton’s fundraising prowess? Or will he be forced to fall back on his soft-serve skills and open a bipartisan ice cream truck? Only time will tell. Until then, enjoy the show, folks. The 2026 Senate race is already shaping up to be a meltdown.

And remember, in Texas politics, the only thing colder than the ice cream is the backstabbing.