Abbott and Patrick: The Undead Duo of Texas Politics

Folks, it’s happening again. The Texas political machine is stuck in a loop, like a broken record playing "Deep in the Heart of Texas" on repeat. Governor Greg Abbott and Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick—two men who’ve been in power so long they probably remember the Alamo firsthand—are gearing up for yet another term. That’s right, folks, the dynamic duo of Texas politics is back, and they’re not letting go of those golden chairs without a fight. Or, more accurately, without a primary challenger who mysteriously disappears after a sudden "consulting opportunity" in the private sector.

Remember the good old days when politicians would actually retire? When they’d step aside and let fresh blood take the reins? No? Well, neither does anyone under the age of 40. Abbott and Patrick have been ruling Texas since the days when flip phones were cutting-edge tech, and they show no signs of slowing down. Some say they’re like fine wine, getting better with age. Others say they’re more like milk left out in the Texas sun—questionable at best.

And let’s talk about the so-called "open seats." Attorney General Ken Paxton is finally leaving—not because he wants to, but because he’s been legally forced to take his talents to the U.S. Senate race (where he’ll undoubtedly bring his signature blend of chaos and subpoenas). Meanwhile, Comptroller Glenn Hegar is stepping down to become chancellor of Texas A&M, proving that even in Texas, there’s always a higher-paying gig if you know the right people.

But Abbott and Patrick? They’re sticking around like stubborn stains on a white cowboy hat. Some say they’re waiting for the perfect moment to pass the torch. Others whisper that they’ve already sold their souls for eternal political relevance. Either way, the message is clear: Texas politics is a closed club, and the bouncers aren’t letting anyone new in without a secret handshake and a hefty donation.

So buckle up, Texans. The Abbott-Patrick Show is entering its 12th season, and the plot hasn’t changed a bit. Will there be twists? Unlikely. Surprises? Only if you count another property tax cut that somehow never materializes. But hey, at least we’ll always have the memories of 1990—back when politicians still pretended to retire. Those were the days.