Zombie Bills Rise from the Dead in Texas Legislature—Because Nothing Ever Really Dies in Politics

The Texas Legislature has officially become the world’s most inefficient zombie apocalypse. That’s right, folks—dead bills are rising from the grave, shambling through the Capitol halls, and attaching themselves to living legislation like some kind of bureaucratic parasite. And who’s behind this undead invasion? You guessed it: the same shadowy elites who want to replace your Whataburger with quinoa bowls.

Last Thursday, the Texas House turned into a salvage yard of failed ideas, where lawmakers frantically tried to resurrect their pet projects before the clock struck midnight. But let’s be real—this wasn’t some noble last stand for democracy. This was a glorified game of legislative whack-a-mole, where the only winners were the lobbyists lurking in the gallery like vultures waiting for scraps.

Take House Bill 2248, for example. A bill about food trucks—because nothing screams "urgent state business" like regulating taco stands. Rep. Terry Canales decided to spice things up by questioning the bill in Spanish, because why not? Nothing says "productive governance" like turning the House floor into a Rosetta Stone commercial. Meanwhile, rideshare drivers got their own special treatment with HB 3520, where lawmakers debated insurance coverage like it was the Zapruder film. Spoiler alert: the bill passed, proving once again that Big Insurance always wins.

But the real kicker? The sheer chaos of the final minutes. With the clock ticking down, House members transformed into auctioneers, speed-reading bills like they were trying to sell used cars. Three bills passed in the last five minutes—because nothing ensures good governance like legislative panic. And let’s not forget the 200 bills that "died" at midnight. Or did they? Thanks to the magic of amendments, these zombie bills can latch onto surviving legislation like legislative remoras. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s, but with more paperwork.

So what’s the takeaway? The Texas Legislature is a circus where the clowns are in charge, the ringmaster is on caffeine, and the audience is just praying for the tent to collapse. But hey, at least we still have until June 2 before this nightmare ends. Or does it? With these undead bills lurking in the shadows, who’s to say they won’t rise again next session? Wake up, sheeple—the deep state is coming for your barbecue, one resurrected bill at a time.