Labor Day in Austin: A Masterclass in Performative Relaxation

Ah, Labor Day in Austin—the sacred holiday where locals celebrate not working by… working really hard at leisure. Because nothing says “relaxation” like standing in line for an hour just to pay $18 for a hot dog at a distillery that’s definitely not compensating its staff extra for the holiday. But hey, at least the proceeds go to charity, so you can feel morally superior while sweating through your linen shirt in 98-degree heat.

Over at Craft Pride, they’re serving brunch pizza, which is either a culinary revolution or a crime against breakfast—jury’s still out. But don’t worry, it’s artisanal brunch pizza, so it’s automatically worth the 45-minute wait. And yes, there’s beer in a cocktail because Austinites refuse to acknowledge that mimosas exist.

If you’re more of an ~artsy~ type, you can go stare at sculptures of sexualized women and ponder why society is the way it is. Or, if you’d rather not confront the male gaze before noon, you can head to Bun B’s BBQ, where the meat is smoked, the beats are fire, and the line for the porta-potties is longer than the line for salvation.

And for those who just want to ~find themselves~, Black Swan Yoga is offering free classes, because nothing says “self-care” like contorting into downward dog while a stranger’s sweat drips onto your mat. Namaste, y’all—or as we say in Austin, namasweat.