Buckshot Bar Employees Take "Team Bonding" to a Whole New Level

Ah, another day, another tragic yet somehow predictable incident on East Sixth Street. Five employees at Buckshot Bar decided to spice up their shift with what authorities are calling a "suspected overdose." One poor soul didn’t make it, proving once again that capitalism’s side hustle—death—is always hiring.

According to the ever-reliable KVUE, the 911 call came in at the ripe hour of 3 a.m., because nothing good happens after 2 a.m. unless you’re a bartender or a raccoon. The scene was so chaotic that even the police tape looked exhausted. Three ambulances, fire trucks, and state troopers swarmed the block like a pack of feral tech bros descending on a free taco stand.

Here’s the kicker: all five victims were employees. That’s right, folks. These brave souls weren’t even getting paid to party—they were getting paid to serve the party. And yet, they still found time to indulge in what we can only assume was the bar’s "employee discount" on whatever questionable substances were floating around.

The block was temporarily closed, because nothing says "public safety" like shutting down the street after the damage is done. But don’t worry, East Sixth was back open by morning, ready to host another round of overpriced drinks and poor life choices.

In related news, Austin’s gentrification crisis continues to push out the city’s soul, one punk house at a time. But hey, at least the condos will have a great view of the next overdose. Stay tuned for updates, or better yet, just assume it’ll happen again next weekend.

—Merrick "Renegade" Cruz, signing off to go fold some zines and yell at a developer.