Texas Bans Fun: New Law Ensures No One Enjoys Anything Ever Again

In a stunning display of freedom and personal liberty, the great state of Texas has once again taken a bold stand against the most dangerous threat to society since unregulated cowboy hats: vape pens that might make you happy. Senate Bill 2024, lovingly crafted by Senator Charles Perry—a man who clearly has never once in his life experienced joy—has officially declared war on anything that could potentially make a Zoomer stop doomscrolling long enough to chill out.

Under this groundbreaking legislation, Texans are now protected from the horrors of cartoon characters on vape packaging (because nothing corrupts youth faster than Looney Tunes-themed THC), celebrity endorsements (sorry, Snoop), and—most terrifying of all—flavors that taste like food. That’s right, folks. If your vape tastes like blueberry, you might as well be mainlining fentanyl in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.

But don’t worry! The law is totally reasonable. You can still possess these devilish devices—just don’t sell them, market them, or acknowledge their existence in public. And if you do? Enjoy your year in jail and a cool $4,000 fine. Because nothing says small government like locking up a smoke shop clerk for selling a CBD pen to a stressed-out mom.

Meanwhile, Governor Greg Abbott—who famously vetoed an earlier, even dumber version of this bill—is probably somewhere polishing his I ❤️ Regulation pin while whispering sweet nothings to a framed photo of Jeff Bezos. Because in Texas, the only acceptable way to alter your consciousness is through capitalism and property taxes.

So light up, my fellow patriots! Just make sure it’s a traditional joint, rolled with government-approved paranoia. And if you see a vape that looks suspiciously like a juice box, run. The thought police are coming.

This has been your daily dose of freedom™, brought to you by the fine folks at Texas: Where Everything is Bigger (Except Your Rights).