Texas Colleges Ranked: Because Someone Had to Put Rice Above Actual Ivy Leagues

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Forbes has released its annual Who’s Who of Overpriced Lecture Halls—sorry, America’s Top Colleges—and Texas has somehow managed to cram 23 of its institutions into the top 500. That’s right, folks, the land of cowboy boots and questionable politics is now also the land of… higher education?

Leading the charge is Rice University, sitting pretty at No. 12, because nothing says elite education like a school named after a grain. With an A+ in financials (because nothing screams accessible education like a $150K median salary 20 years post-graduation), Rice is basically the Whole Foods of universities: overpriced, full of rich kids, and somehow still considered prestigious.

Meanwhile, UT Austin, the second-highest-ranked Texas school, is holding it down at No. 46. Known for its world-class football team and occasional academic excellence, UT proves that you, too, can achieve greatness—as long as you’re okay with your degree being overshadowed by a burnt-orange cult following.

But let’s not forget the real stars of the show: the other Texas schools that made the list. Texas A&M? No. 61, because nothing says higher learning like a university where the most popular major is yelling ‘Gig ‘Em’ at strangers. SMU? No. 103, where the M stands for Money (and also Methodist, but let’s be real). And Baylor, sitting at No. 188, proving that even a scandal-plagued Baptist university can still make the cut if the endowment is big enough.

And then there’s the real underdog story: the University of Texas at Rio Grande Valley, scraping in at No. 449. Sure, they might not have the same glamour as Rice, but they’ve got something even better—affordable tuition (relatively speaking, of course).

But let’s not kid ourselves. These rankings are about as meaningful as a participation trophy at a billionaire’s kid’s birthday party. Because at the end of the day, whether your school is No. 12 or No. 449, you’re still just another cog in the capitalist machine—but hey, at least you’ll have a fancy diploma to hang on your dorm wall while you cry about student loans.