Abbott’s New Laws: Because Tents Were the Real Problem All Along

Oh, great. Just what we needed—more laws. Because clearly, the problem with Texas floods is that we didn’t have enough bureaucratic red tape to drown in. Governor Abbott, in his infinite wisdom, has signed three new camp safety laws in response to those pesky deadly floods. Because nothing says "effective governance" like slapping a few regulations on nature itself.

Let’s break this down, folks. First, we’ve got the "Camp Safety Awareness Act," which—shockingly—requires campers to be aware of safety. Groundbreaking. Next, the "Emergency Evacuation Protocol Act," because apparently, people needed the government to tell them that when water rises, you should leave. And finally, the pièce de résistance: the "Flood-Resistant Tent Mandate." That’s right, folks. The state of Texas is now in the business of dictating what kind of tent you can sleep in. Next thing you know, they’ll be requiring us to wear floaties to bed.

But here’s the real kicker: none of these laws address the real issue. Where’s the legislation banning clouds? Or criminalizing rain? If Abbott really wanted to protect Texans, he’d declare war on the weather. But no, instead, we get more paperwork. Typical.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the poor, oppressed bureaucrats who now have to enforce these laws. Imagine being the state employee tasked with inspecting tents for flood resistance. "Sorry, ma’am, your Coleman isn’t up to code. The state requires at least three layers of waterproofing and a built-in life raft."

Meanwhile, the floods will keep coming, the tents will keep floating away, and the government will keep pretending they’ve solved the problem. Wake up, sheeple! This isn’t about safety—it’s about control. Next time it rains, just remember: the real flood is the one of regulations drowning your freedom.

Alex Jaxon is currently stockpiling inflatable armbands in preparation for the coming regulatory apocalypse.