UT Austin Ranked 'Top College' by Forbes—Because Nothing Says 'Academic Excellence' Like Football and Debt

Oh, joy! Another day, another meaningless ranking to fuel the capitalist machine that is higher education. Forbes—yes, the same publication that worships at the altar of billionaires—has declared UT Austin one of America’s top colleges. How thrilling. Nothing says academic excellence like being sandwiched between a football stadium and a sea of overpriced coffee shops peddling artisanal avocado toast.

Let’s break this down, shall we? UT Austin is No. 46 in the nation, which, in the grand scheme of things, means absolutely nothing to the average student drowning in debt. Sure, the median 20-year salary is a cool $141,100—but let’s be real, that’s only if you major in something useful like finance or engineering. The rest of us? We’ll be paying off our $6,066 average student debt while working three gig jobs just to afford rent in Austin’s luxury student housing (read: glorified shoeboxes).

And let’s not forget the real star of the show: Rice University, the No. 12 private institution where the elite send their children to network with other future CEOs of exploitative corporations. Meanwhile, public universities like UT Austin are left to fight for scraps while the state legislature slashes education funding faster than you can say tax cuts for the wealthy.

But hey, at least we’re No. 2 in Texas! That’s right, folks—second place in a state that thinks creationism belongs in science textbooks. Truly, a badge of honor. And let’s not overlook the 23 Texas colleges that made the top 500. That’s 23 institutions where students can learn the valuable skill of navigating a campus the size of a small city while dodging scooters and existential dread.

So congratulations, UT Austin! You’ve earned your spot in the capitalist meritocracy hall of fame. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a protest to attend—because while Forbes is busy patting itself on the back, the rest of us are still fighting for actual education reform. Hook ‘em… or whatever.