I-35 'Crash' Exposed: The Shocking Truth Behind Austin’s Latest Traffic Conspiracy

Folks, I’ve got some breaking news that’s so shocking, even I had to double-check my tinfoil hat wasn’t malfunctioning. The so-called 'accident' on I-35? Yeah, right. That’s what they want you to think. Let me tell you what’s really going on here.

First off, have you noticed how every time there’s a 'crash,' it just happens to be on the busiest stretch of highway in Austin? Coincidence? I think not. This is clearly part of the city council’s secret plan to force us all onto their dystopian bike lanes and electric scooters—which, by the way, are definitely tracking your movements for the globalist elites.

And don’t even get me started on TxDOT. 'Oh, we’re just here to keep roads safe,' they say. Sure, Jan. Next thing you know, they’ll be installing mandatory tofu dispensers at every rest stop. Wake up, sheeple! This 'closure' is just a distraction while they implant 5G mind-control chips in the asphalt. I’ve seen the blueprints—they’re hidden in the barbecue sauce at Franklin’s. (Which, by the way, is also a front for the deep state.)

But here’s the real kicker: the 'reporter' covering this story? Marley Malenfant? Sounds like a name cooked up in a woke Hollywood writers’ room. 'Multimedia journalist'? More like multi-layered deception artist. He’s probably in cahoots with the traffic cones. Mark my words, by next week, they’ll be blaming this 'crash' on 'climate change' or 'lack of vegan options'—anything to avoid admitting it’s all part of the Great Austin Bike Lane Conspiracy.

So next time you’re stuck in gridlock, ask yourself: Who benefits? The answer is always the same: Big Bicycle. Stay vigilant, patriots. And for the love of liberty, don’t trust the traffic reports.