I-35 Lane Closures: Globalist Plot to Force Austinites onto Scooters and Tofu?

Folks, it's happening again! The so-called 'road closure' on I-35 in South Austin is just another thinly veiled attempt by the globalist elites to control our movement and funnel us into their 15-minute cities. Wake up, sheeple! Do you really think it's just 'construction'? Oh no, my friends—this is phase one of their grand plan to force us all into electric scooters and vegan food trucks while they monitor our every move with 5G-enabled traffic cones.

And let’s talk about the timing. Right before barbecue season? Coincidence? I think not. The deep state knows Texans can’t resist brisket, so they’re strategically shutting down lanes to create traffic jams, hoping we’ll get so frustrated we’ll abandon our cars and start riding bicycles like some kind of Portland hipsters. Well, I’ve got news for them—my F-150 isn’t going anywhere, and neither am I!

And don’t even get me started on the 'journalist' reporting this 'news.' Marley Malenfant? Sounds like a name cooked up in a woke naming lab. Paralegal degree? Multimedia skills? Covering 'legal trends'? That’s code for 'planted operative' spreading disinformation to keep us docile while they install mandatory bike lanes. I’ve seen his type before—slick, camera-ready, probably drinks oat milk lattes. Wake up, Austin! The roads aren’t just closed—they’re being weaponized against us!

So next time you’re stuck in traffic, remember: it’s not an accident. It’s a conspiracy. And if you see a traffic cone with a suspicious blinking light, you’d better run—because Big Brother is watching, and he’s coming for your pickup truck next.