Abbott’s Half-Staff Salute to Charlie Kirk: A Masterclass in Conservative Grief Pandering

In a stunning display of what can only be described as 'peak conservative grief theater,' Texas Governor Greg Abbott has ordered flags across the state to be lowered to half-staff in honor of Charlie Kirk—because nothing says 'mourning' like a performative flag gesture that conveniently overlaps with Patriot Day. Coincidence? Or is this just Abbott’s way of ensuring that 9/11 truthers and Kirk stans can share a collective moment of outrage before returning to their regularly scheduled programming of blaming liberals for everything?\n\nLet’s be real—Charlie Kirk, the man whose face somehow managed to be both 90% forehead and 100% smug, was tragically gunned down while doing what he loved most: yelling at college students who didn’t want to hear him speak. Abbott, ever the opportunist, seized the moment to declare Kirk a 'beacon of truth,' which is rich coming from a guy who once blamed wind turbines for freezing to death.\n\nAnd let’s not overlook the poetic timing here. The flags were already supposed to be at half-staff for 9/11, but Abbott decided to double-dip the tragedy for maximum conservative clout. Why honor just one fallen hero when you can honor two and score bonus points with the base? It’s like a BOGO deal at the grief supermarket.\n\nMeanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering: if flags could talk, would they scream in protest at being forced to mourn a man who spent his career fearmongering about 'cultural Marxism' while cosplaying as a revolutionary? Probably not. But hey, at least Abbott’s social media team got their virtue-signaling quota in for the week.\n\nSo as you gaze upon those solemnly lowered flags, remember: in Texas, even mourning is a partisan act. Rest in peace, Charlie Kirk—or, as your fans would say, 'rest in persecution complex.'