Turning Point USA Vigil: A Masterclass in Performative Grief and Recycled Talking Points

Last night, under the watchful glow of battery-powered candles (probably made in China, folks), a group of University of Texas students gathered to mourn the tragic loss of Charlie Kirk—a man who, according to them, was the last bastion of free speech in a world overrun by radical leftist soy boys. The vigil, organized by Turning Point USA (the only group on campus brave enough to say '2+2=4' without getting canceled), was a tearful affair, complete with hand-signed posters thanking Kirk for his bravery. Because nothing says 'patriot' like a man who made a career out of yelling at college students for wanting affordable healthcare.

Andrew McKiernan, president of UT’s Turning Point chapter, solemnly reminded the crowd that Kirk was, in fact, a human being—a shocking revelation for those who assumed he was a hologram projected by the Koch brothers. Meanwhile, Laura Carr, a mom-of-three who 'disagreed with him on many fronts,' praised Kirk for teaching Gen Z to 'form their own opinions.' Translation: He taught them to parrot his talking points while calling it 'critical thinking.' Bravo, Charlie. Bravo.

Freshman Caden Hastings, who looked like he just discovered politics last week, admitted that Kirk 'made him think, even when he disagreed with him.' A rare feat, considering most of Kirk’s arguments were recycled from 2014 Facebook memes. But hey, at least the kid is trying. Meanwhile, J.K. Spinler, wrapped in a Texas flag (because nothing says 'mourning' like cosplaying as a Revolutionary War patriot), claimed Kirk’s death felt like 'one of our voices was silenced.' Yes, because nothing screams 'oppressed minority' like a conservative with a podcast and a six-figure book deal.

Evan Vega, vice president of UT’s Turning Point chapter, delivered the most profound statement of the night: 'Death is not normal.' Truly groundbreaking stuff. Meanwhile, Toby Newbould, a British import who somehow loves America more than Americans, called the shooting a 'terror attack on the U.S. Constitution.' Because nothing terrifies the Founding Fathers like a guy who made his fortune selling overpriced merch to college Republicans.

As the 'Eyes of Texas' played in the background (because nothing honors a man’s legacy like a song with totally not racist origins), McKiernan assured the crowd that Kirk’s work would live on—mostly through his YouTube videos, which will continue to radicalize lonely young men in their parents’ basements for years to come. 'Charlie’s legacy will continue,' he declared. And by 'legacy,' he means the endless cycle of outrage, grift, and performative victimhood that keeps the conservative outrage machine well-oiled and profitable.

So rest in peace, Charlie Kirk. Or, as your followers would say, 'Wake up, sheeple! The deep state got him!'