‘Exceptional Drought’ Just Means Austin Isn’t Hustling Hard Enough

Ah, yes. Another day, another crisis in Austin that could’ve been avoided if we just let the free market handle it. The Barton Springs-Edwards Aquifer Conservation District has declared an “Exceptional Drought,” which sounds like a new craft beer but is actually just another excuse for Big Government to tell us how to live our lives. Listen, folks, if Elon Musk can terraform Mars, surely we can figure out how to keep our lawns green without some bureaucrat wagging a finger at us.

According to the district, we’re supposed to “conserve water” by doing ridiculous things like “taking shorter showers” and “fixing leaks.” Excuse me, but I have a startup to run. I don’t have time to hunt down a dripping faucet like some kind of plumbing detective. And don’t even get me started on the suggestion to “sweep instead of spray” driveways. Do they not understand the sheer aesthetic tragedy of a dirty driveway? My Tesla deserves better.

But here’s the real kicker: they want us to water our lawns “smarter.” Newsflash—my smart sprinkler system is already connected to my blockchain-powered IoT network. If it says my grass needs hydration at 3 a.m., who am I to argue with the algorithm? And while we’re at it, why isn’t anyone talking about the real solution here? Desalination plants. Nuclear-powered ones. Built by private contractors, obviously.

Look, I get it. The aquifer is “dry.” But have we considered that maybe the aquifer just needs to pull itself up by its bootstraps? Maybe if it stopped relying on handouts from rainfall and invested in some cloud seeding, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Just saying.

In the meantime, I’ll be over here brainstorming my next disruptive startup: Uber for Water. Surge pricing during droughts. Investors, hit me up.

Chad Evans is the founder of DryVape, a SaaS platform for optimizing your vape cloud density. He has never fixed a leaky faucet in his life.