Uvalde Staffer’s Fiery Death: Spontaneous Combustion or Deep State Arson?

In a shocking turn of events that has this reporter’s tinfoil hat vibrating at dangerous frequencies, a congressional staffer in Uvalde was found on fire—yes, you read that right—on fire—in what authorities are lazily calling an “accident.” Folks, if you believe that, I’ve got some oceanfront property in Lubbock to sell you.

Regina Santos-Aviles, a staffer for Rep. Tony Gonzales, was reportedly engulfed in flames when first responders arrived. Now, let’s think critically here. When was the last time you spontaneously combusted? Exactly. Never. Because you’re not a high-profile individual working in politics, where mysterious fiery deaths are about as common as suspiciously well-timed power outages during election season.

Her mother, Nora Ann Gonzales, insists it was an accident. Bless her heart. But let’s not ignore the fact that the call was canceled while firefighters were en route. Canceled! Like a woke Disney+ series! And yet, the brave volunteers still showed up—because something smelled fishier than a week-old Whataburger left in a Texas summer sun.

Police Chief Homer Delgado claims there’s “no indication of foul play.” Oh, really? Then why is the medical examiner taking 12-16 weeks to figure out how a woman caught fire? That’s longer than it takes the DMV to process a license renewal! Meanwhile, Rep. Gonzales is out here giving the usual canned “heart-stricken” statement, which, let’s be honest, is what politicians say right before they quietly delete all their emails.

And let’s talk about the real victim here: barbecue. Because if the deep state is willing to set people on fire to cover their tracks, what’s next? Microwave brisket? Soy-based sausage? Wake up, sheeple! The elites want us distracted while they replace our sacred smoked meats with tofu.

In the meantime, keep your lighters close, your fire extinguishers closer, and your conspiracy theories even closer. Because in Uvalde, the only thing burning hotter than this mystery is my rage at the obvious cover-up.

This is a developing story. Or a controlled burn. You decide.