ICE Facility Shooting Prompts Politicians to Discover Morality (Briefly)

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Texas politicians have discovered that violence is, in fact, bad. This groundbreaking revelation came after a shooting at an ICE facility, where three detainees were killed and one injured. Governor Greg Abbott, a man known for his nuanced takes on human rights, immediately took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning democracy) to remind everyone that this "assassination"—his words, not mine—would not stop the state’s relentless pursuit of rounding up and deporting people. Because nothing says "we care about human life" like doubling down on policies that treat migrants like inventory in a dystopian warehouse.

Senator Ted Cruz, who once fled to Cancún during a winter crisis that left Texans freezing to death, chimed in with his usual depth of insight: "Violence is wrong." Truly profound stuff from a man whose entire political career has been built on stoking division. Meanwhile, Vice President JD Vance offered his signature move: thoughts and prayers. Because if there’s one thing that’s been proven to solve systemic violence, it’s vague well-wishes posted on a platform owned by a billionaire who thinks free speech means amplifying Nazis.

Dallas Mayor Eric Johnson, perhaps sensing the absurdity of the moment, asked for prayers—not just for the victims, but for the city itself. Because if there’s anything that unites Dallas, it’s the shared trauma of watching politicians perform outrage while doing nothing to address the root causes of violence. And let’s not forget Secretary of State Kristi Noem, who warned that ICE officers are facing "unprecedented violence." Unprecedented? Maybe if you’ve been ignoring the decades of state-sponsored violence against migrants, but sure, let’s pretend this is a new phenomenon.

This attack marks the latest in a series of incidents targeting ICE facilities in Texas, proving once again that when you build a system on dehumanization, sometimes people react in ways that are, well, human. But don’t worry—Abbott assures us America won’t become "a country prone to such violence." Just a country prone to mass shootings, militarized borders, and politicians who treat cruelty as a campaign strategy. Prayers up, everyone. Or better yet, maybe try policy. Just a thought.},