Big Delivery Strikes Again: How a DoorDash Driver Became the Deep State’s Latest Pawn

In a shocking turn of events that proves once and for all that Big Delivery is watching your every move, a so-called "hero" delivery driver in Sweetwater, Texas, foiled what authorities are calling a "hostage situation"—but what I’m calling a perfectly reasonable Tuesday afternoon.

According to the totally trustworthy mainstream media, this unnamed delivery driver—who may or may not be a DoorDash employee (because why let facts get in the way of a good story?)—alerted police after delivering an order containing "suspicious" items like trash bags, zip ties, bleach, and a hatchet. Oh, the horror! Clearly, this was a red flag. Or, you know, just a guy who really, really likes cleaning and DIY projects. But no, the sheeple at Sweetwater PD immediately jumped to conclusions.

Police arrived to find Neil Cooper, 42, barricaded in a motel room, allegedly with a hostage. But here’s the kicker: the "hostage" escaped when Cooper went to the bathroom. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were holding someone hostage, I’d at least have the decency to keep an eye on them while I tinkle. Amateur hour, folks.

Cooper was arrested, charged with aggravated kidnapping (because apparently, you can’t just invite someone over for a fun afternoon of zip-tie arts and crafts anymore), and the so-called "victim" was also arrested on drug charges. Coincidence? Or proof that this whole thing was a deep-state false flag to distract us from the real crisis—like why Austin’s city council keeps pushing kale smoothies on us?

Meanwhile, the delivery driver is being hailed as a hero for "paying attention to small details." Wake up, people! This is clearly a ploy by Big Delivery to make us trust their drivers even more. Next thing you know, they’ll be installing surveillance devices in our burritos. Mark my words.

And let’s not forget the real victim here: Neil Cooper, a man who just wanted to enjoy his trash bags and hatchet in peace. Is this what America has come to? A place where a guy can’t even stock up on home improvement supplies without the thought police knocking down his door?

Stay vigilant, folks. And maybe think twice before ordering suspiciously specific items from DoorDash. Or better yet, just grow your own zip ties. It’s the only way to be sure.