"Camp Mystic Announces 'Drown or Be Drowned' Reopening Plan"

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Camp Mystic—the Christian girls’ camp that recently turned into a real-life Noah’s Ark scenario—has announced plans to reopen next summer. That’s right, folks. Just three months after 27 people (including campers, counselors, and the co-owner) were swept away in a biblical flood, the camp’s leadership has decided the best way to honor the dead is to… invite more children to swim in the same river that may still contain their remains. Because nothing says "Christian values" like tempting fate twice.

The grieving parents of 8-year-old Cile Steward, whose body has yet to be recovered, sent a scathing letter to the camp, demanding they halt their reopening plans. But Camp Mystic, ever the optimist, insists there’s "strong interest" from families eager to send their daughters back. Because who wouldn’t want their kid to experience the thrill of "Will I drown today?" as part of their spiritual growth?

In a statement dripping with the kind of tone-deafness usually reserved for corporate PR disasters, camp officials said their decision was "informed by faith." Ah yes, faith—the ultimate excuse for bad decisions. "God told us to reopen," they might as well have said, while conveniently ignoring the part where God also sent a flood to wipe out a chunk of their campers. But hey, at least they’re praying for Cile’s recovery. Because thoughts and prayers have always been more effective than, say, not reopening a death trap.

The Stewards, along with other bereaved parents, pointed out the obvious: maybe don’t treat the deaths of 27 people as a "brief pause" before getting back to business. But Camp Mystic, ever the pioneer in bad optics, doubled down by declaring, "The heart of Camp Mystic has never stopped beating." Bold words for a place where the heart literally stopped beating for 27 people. Maybe they meant the heart is still beating… in the river, where it was washed away along with everyone else.

Meanwhile, the camp’s leadership seems to have taken inspiration from the Titanic’s marketing team: "Come back next summer!*" (*Some casualties may apply.) And let’s not forget the real hero here—Dick Eastland, the co-owner who died trying to save campers. His legacy? A camp that’s apparently learned nothing. Bravo.

In conclusion, if you’re looking for a summer camp that combines faith, fun, and the ever-present threat of drowning, Camp Mystic is the place to be. Just make sure your kid’s life insurance is paid up. #BlessedAndWet