Sixth Street Redesign: Because Nothing Says 'Fun' Like a City-Approved Bike Lane

Oh, joy! The city of Austin has once again decided to "revitalize" Sixth Street, because nothing says "historic entertainment district" like a bunch of bureaucrats in khakis deciding where to put bike lanes. The options are as thrilling as watching paint dry on a new luxury condo: Option 1—bike lanes on both sides (because nothing says "party" like dodging scooters at 2 a.m.), Option 2—one bike lane (for those who enjoy a little chaos), and Option 3—no bike lanes at all (for the purists who believe Sixth Street should remain a lawless wasteland of stumbling tourists and spilled Lone Stars).

But wait, there’s more! The city has also graciously installed concrete barriers to "curb violence," which, let’s be honest, are just there to keep the drunk tech bros from spilling into the street like human Jenga blocks. And don’t worry, they’ll be "decorated with murals"—because nothing says "we care about art" like slapping some paint on a wall designed to keep you from getting punched.

So, dear Austinites, head to the virtual open house and cast your vote! Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that city planners always know how to make a street feel alive. Or at least how to make it look like a corporate-sponsored playground for people who think "live music" means a guy with an acoustic cover of "Wonderwall." Punk’s not dead, but Sixth Street might as well be.

P.S. If you vote for Option 3, you’re officially a coward. Fight me.