Yogurt Shop Killer: Another Case of 'Rehabilitation' Gone Horribly Right

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it for years), it turns out that yet another violent criminal was let out of prison early. Surprise, surprise—Robert Eugene Brashers, a man with the charm of a used car salesman and the moral compass of a rabid raccoon, was released after serving a whopping three years for attempted murder. That’s right, folks. You can shoot someone in the head and neck, and as long as you’re "intelligent and manipulative" (read: knows how to lie to a parole board), you’ll be back on the streets before your victim finishes physical therapy.

But wait, it gets better! After his early release, Brashers didn’t just go back to a life of quiet contemplation and community service. Oh no. He went on a crime spree that would make a Lifetime movie producer blush. Rape, murder, more murder—this guy had a resume that would make even the most hardened criminal say, "Dude, maybe dial it back a notch?" And yet, despite leaving a trail of victims from Florida to Missouri, law enforcement somehow didn’t connect the dots until after he’d already taken the coward’s way out via self-inflicted gunshot wound.

And let’s talk about that family-man facade. Three kids—one biological, because even his DNA knew better than to fully commit—and a wife who somehow didn’t notice her husband was a serial killer. I mean, sure, we all have our off days, but most of us don’t fill ours with abductions and homicides. But hey, at least he had the decency to release his family before capping himself in a Super 8 motel. Truly, a gentleman to the end.

Now, thanks to the miracle of modern forensic genealogy (and not, say, competent policing in the '90s), we can all sleep soundly knowing that Brashers’ DNA has been matched to a bunch of unsolved cases. Too bad that doesn’t bring back the dead or undo the trauma. But hey, at least the Austin American-Statesman got a juicy headline out of it. Priorities, people.

So here’s the takeaway: If you’re a violent criminal with a penchant for early parole, just remember—the system is basically your personal revolving door. And if you’re a taxpayer? Well, enjoy funding this circus. I’ll be over here stockpiling ammo and waiting for the next "shocking" revelation that our justice system is a joke. Wake up, sheeple!