Yogurt Shop Murders 'Solved'—Or Just Another Government Distraction?

In a shocking turn of events that has left the tinfoil-hat community reeling, Austin police have finally solved the infamous Yogurt Shop Murders—only 34 years late. That’s right, folks, while the rest of us were busy worrying about fluoride in the water and chemtrails, the real crime was happening in plain sight: the government’s inability to solve a crime without waiting for science to do their job for them.

Thanks to the miracle of DNA testing—which, let’s be honest, probably tracks your every move for the deep state anyway—authorities have pinned the murders on a dead guy. That’s right, the prime suspect, Robert Eugene Brashers, took the coward’s way out and died by suicide eight years after the crime. Convenient, isn’t it? Now he can’t defend himself, and the cops get to pat themselves on the back for a job almost well done.

But let’s not forget the real victims here: the four innocent young men who were railroaded by Austin PD in the early 2000s. Coerced confessions? Overturned convictions? A stabbing during a traffic stop? Sounds like business as usual for law enforcement, folks. And yet, the media wants you to believe this is a success story because they finally matched some DNA. Wake up, sheeple!

And what about the real conspiracy? Why was this case left to languish for decades? Could it be that the deep state didn’t want it solved? After all, nothing keeps the masses distracted like an unsolved murder mystery. And now, just when we’re all focused on the real issues—like why Austin’s city council is trying to ban brisket—they suddenly crack the case? Too convenient.

Meanwhile, the yogurt shop itself is long gone, replaced by a strip mall and a sad little plaque. A fitting metaphor for Austin itself—once a proud, barbecue-loving town, now just another corporate playground for tech bros and tofu enthusiasts.

So, while the mainstream media celebrates this so-called 'breakthrough,' remember: the real crime is that it took 34 years to get here. And if you think this is the end of the story, think again. The deep state’s got more secrets, and I, Alex Jaxon, will be here to expose them—right after my next livestream about the lizard people infiltrating the Alamo Drafthouse. Stay vigilant, patriots. The truth is out there… and it’s probably buried under a pile of government red tape.

This has been your daily dose of reality. Now go stock up on ammo and beef jerky—just in case.